Inappropriate sharing, incomprehensible ramblings, uncalled-for hostility: yup, it's a blog.

Tuesday, June 30, 2009

Because it is our gerbil, and it is flaming

There's an old joke. Uh, two gay guys are rushed to the emergency room. One guy has burns over most of his lower half, one guy's got burns all over his top half.

I'll let tell you the rest:

"In retrospect, lighting the match was my big mistake. But I was only trying to retrieve the gerbil," Eric Tomaszewski told bemused doctors in the Severe Burns Unit of Salt Lake City Hospital. Tomaszewski, and his homosexual partner, Andrew "Kiki" Farnum, had been admitted for emergency treatment after a felching session had gone seriously wrong. "I pushed a cardboard tube up his rectum and slipped Raggot, our gerbil, in," he explained. "As usual, Kiki shouted out "Armageddon", my cue that he'd had enough. I tried to retrieve Raggot but he wouldn't come out again, so I peered into the tube and struck a match, thinking the light might attract him."

At a hushed press conference, a hospital spokesman described what happened next. "The match ignited a pocket of intestinal gas and a flame shot out the tube, igniting Mr. Tomaszewski's hair and severely burning his face. It also set fire to the gerbil's fur and whiskers which in turn ignited a larger pocket of gas further up the intestine, propelling the rodent out like a cannonball."

Tomaszewski suffered second degree burns and a broken nose from the impact of the gerbil, while Farnum suffered first and second degree burns to his anus and lower intestinal tract.

Wait... I'm going somewhere with this

Today, for the fifth or sixth time, I was sent the above tale of gay sex, this tragic Rube Goldberg story of flaming gerbils and intestinal gas. Usually, I respond with a polite "LOL" and a link to because I don't want to make the sender feel like a total homophobe. But this time I actually read the damn joke, and thought it was kinda nice. Pro-gay.

First off, Kiki and Eric trust one another. They must. I mean, the gerbil is referred to as "our" gerbil Raggot, implying a shared custody. Eric doesn't say "that" gerbil, or "some gerbil we found in a Jane Street bar." Eric says "our gerbil." Our gerbil that got lost, for the first time, in Kiki's ass.

Secondly, these two have a safe word: Armageddon. Probably the best safe word ever. I mean, people say some weird shit during sex, but they seldom cry out "Armageddon," and if they do, you might want to reconsider a longtime partnership with them, unless you like fucking Pat Robertson. So when Kiki screamed out "Armageddon," Eric had to know it was time to pull the gerbil out. There's no other way to interpret it.

Thirdly, Eric doesn't jet on Kiki when Kiki is at his most vulnerable. Eric tries to retrieve the gerbil, and even after receiving a flaming gerbil-loaded fart to the head, he sticks by his man. Eric even lays it all out for the doctor. "Hey doc," Eric basically says, "We did this, and then this happened, and here we are."

So stop sending me this thing. I get it. Ha-ha, funny. Gerbils, gas, burned flesh: what's not to laugh at?


Scott Coats said...

Is that Carl Kassel's voice in the video?

No, no way.

Wait, is that the John Boy & Billy dude?

Yep, it pays to listent o the whole thign before commenting.

MM said...

I'd LOVE for Carl Kassel to leave THAT message on my home answering machine...

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