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Sunday, July 5, 2009

What Sarah Palin should've said

On Friday, Sarah Palin took her ball and went home, or passed the ball, or shot the ball at an invisible hoop. She went home, I know that much, and by "home" I assume she meant a physical dwelling place and not a plate on a baseball diamond, but who the hell knows?

One thing is for sure: Sarah Palin should refrain from sports metaphor usage. Which is a shame, because as she noted in her resignation stream-of-conscious speech, that basketball thing was her idea of a "comfortable analogy" and she certainly needs comfort.

Most politicians, when resigning office, state their reasons clearly and concisely. Not Sarah Palin--no, it'd be politics as usual were she to maintain an acceptable level of coherency. She's not up for politics as usual, she's not "wired that way," even tho she is clearly wired some way. Judging from her speech patterns and peculiar gasps at the end of each tortured clause, I wonder if she's not wired on Snowbilly Heroin or Wasilla Ice.

Ok. Most politicians would've delivered a coherent speech, certainly, but Sarah Palin's not most politicians. She is a breed apart. She has no problem comparing herself to a dog, and she has no problem giving a television interview while standing in front of a turkey chamber of horrors. It's no big deal for her to justify her anti-abortion stance by discussing the agonizing choice she faced after finding out that little Trig wasn't quite right, without understanding the luxury of choice.

Sarah's not like other politicians. She doesn't see a need to reconcile her platform with reality. Abstinence-only education works, Sarah tells us often and with a straight face, with her unmarried high-school aged daughter standing behind her, baby on hip. Big government is awful, she says between phone calls firing random officials for random reasons.

So maybe it's not her platform, but how she uses words--I mean, really, her use of language is, like her political career, wholly unique. Maybe she should take the plunge and go all-in with her speeches. Become not only a new politician but a new kind of public speaker. She could do for politics what Andy Kaufman did for comedy.

So what should Sarah Palin say? Instead of bringing up bizarre basketball analogies and citing bad press, what should Sarah, the New Leader for a New Age, say to explain her quitter's attitude?

Here, in Faulknerian prose, is a better speech for Sarah (and btw, I forget who, but someone once compared her to Benjy from The Sound and the Fury. This person was prescient.):

Hello I am standing before you all and we are all standing beside this great river. Listen to the river fowls screeching. They're screeching and I am wink screeching and all I can think is that this great land, beautiful isn't it, this great land would be better off without me. I am unworthy of all the attention paid to me, attention which I seek out, true, like a morningglory seeing the morning sun, I turn my face to cameras and open up just like that.

But I am not worthy of the
suns attention, and it is unfair to you because when I turn to the cameras and the klieg lights calling to me like the wink sun, I turn my back to you, the people of this land.

I am a fame whore.


Not a week ago, I was battling a real fight with a man in new york who has buck teeth not unlike the beavers in our streams. It was an unnecessary battle. He had no weapons of mass destruction but he made a joke about me and we fought in the media and then some fake negro went and died as dead as William H Seward wink, and the cameras were gone from me, and the
kliegs, and I had nothing to turn to in the morning. And I was left looking at you, my people in Alaska

--Piper stand still

Alaska, my place of rule which seems so big on a map but so small when I take a hard look around and realize how much I hate natural resources like wilderness and mountains and snow and anything that doesnt have to do with the oil wink wink and the bridges which make this great state a true State.
Listen to the water fowl behind me.

So now I'm turning my face to this camera to reclaim my rightful place in the sun, a
way from the light skinned plastic negro in L.A. and the dark skinned magic negro in Washington. I'm standing smile wink here you betcha to use this Friday before a Federal Holiday to announce that I am no longer your governor. I don't like being governor. Because it's hard hard hard work being governor and wink much easier smile to just say random shit and make complicated sports analogies only understandable if youre not interested in making real actual sense of the world. Everything that comes out of my mouth is only useful to those of you who dont care if the world makes sense.

In conclusion my mother is a
refrigerator magnet. And she says, Don't bother to explain anything because your supporters dont care and your enemies wont believe.


Or something.

2 comments:

Matt Osborne said...

Sadly, this makes more sense than the transcript of Palin's actual farewell address -- therefore, she would never use it.

MM said...

There's a transcript?

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