Inappropriate sharing, incomprehensible ramblings, uncalled-for hostility: yup, it's a blog.

Friday, October 1, 2010

Puttin' on the Gay

Ladies and gentlemen, please. There's no need to fear.

True. Yes, true. I am a gay man! But you needn't place your handkerchiefs over your mouths, over your noses! There's no need to raise your canes, and please--I beg you--stop waving your hats at me as if I were a fly!

I am just like you!

(If you're feeling faint, an usher will help you out, so stop clamoring about like fish in a net.)

Thank you.


Ladies and gentlemen, I stand before you today on my own two feet, even though there is a chair beside me--so I could sit before you if I wanted to, but standing seems more appropriate. Though the chair does look comfortable. I don't know if you can tell from your own seats, but this chair here to my right is cushiony, with soft gold fabric, and would swallow me up if I were to sit in it--rather than speak, I'd probably drift into somnolence. So inviting, that chair.

However. I stand--please, madame, stop waving your crucifix at me. It's distracting--I stand before you, a gay man in average clothes, to say this: Stop it.

Stop acting as if homosexuality is an abomination. It isn't. Homosexuality--please!--homosexuality is no more an abomination than the Bronte sisters are great writers. Certainly, some people like the Brontes, but you'd be hard-pressed to find unanimity in appreciation of their talents, so it's best to just leave well enough alone, accept that some people actually like to read them, and move on. Personally, I don't get it. But then, perhaps I'm not supposed to.

And stop this: teaching your children to hate other children. Life, as you may or may not know, is hard enough without other lifeforms tormenting you. It's true. One lifeform might delight in the Bronte sisters' work, or in comfortable chairs, and another lifeform might think top hats and crucifix necklaces are the best thing since sliced bread. There's no reason for the latter to disapprove of the former, and there's no reason that the latter should attempt to annihilate the former.

(Madame, if you don't put that baseball bat down, I will be forced to compel you to leave the room.)

Tolerance is the only way we can get through life. I'm sorry if it offends you, but the only way to go from one minute to the next is to tolerate one another, or else to seek refuge in the nearest cave and hope society goes away before we die (and as a side note, I'll mention this: Society isn't going away. We're stuck with it).

You came here tonight for answers, and I agreed to speak because I have questions. So, I'll open the floor up (Madame, stop that. Spitting, I assure you, is not acceptable behavior).

Q: Why are you doing this?

Sorry? I couldn't hear you. Speak up, miss.

Q: Why are you doing this? This... speech. What's the point?

For some years now, I've been out, and happily prancing about like a giraffe in a zoo. I haven't been exposed to predators, I haven't been exposed to violence, and I have only a vague memory of what it was like in my youth before I was brought to the protection of the zoo. To be obvious, I've spent too much time sitting in the comfortable chair, rather than standing up.

Q: Isn't gay sex gross?

No. Next?

Q: How dare you.

That wasn't a question.

Q: It wasn't meant to be. I'm not on 'Jeopardy'. How dare you judge us. If we are uncomfortable with your life choice, how dare you make us feel bad about it.

Sir, to be blunt: how dare you. Society is full of people worthy of disapproval--to disapprove of homosexuals is to disapprove of love. If you want to disapprove of love, go ahead. I apologize for any bad feelings you might have because of it.

Q: I think my husband is gay.

Is he here tonight?

Q: No. The Met is doing Wagner's Ring cycle starting tonight, so he went there.

Maybe he just likes opera. Or Nazis. Just because your husband likes things you don't like doesn't mean he's gay. Please tell your children.

Q: You keep mentioning children. You a pedophile?

No. I just think it's awful that children are killing themselves because adults haven't been taught to... Because adults continue to encourage the care and maintenance of assholes. If there's one thing homosexual men know, it's how to treat an asshole.

Q: But a good beating might help keep the child from growing up a sissy.

Have you ever watched soccer? Seriously, did you watch the World Cup? The term 'sissy' was never mentioned in all the coverage and no one would accuse those men of being sissies, but there they were, faking injuries and throwing themselves to the ground when they got lightly bumped by opponents. Seems to me it's a braver thing to be gay than to wallow around on the ground during a soccer match.

Q: Isn't gay sex gross?

That's already been asked and answered. Again: No. No more gross than hetero sex--and a lot more fun.

Q: God says you are evil.

God says a lot of things are evil. He created us, though, and perhaps needs a new hobby.

Q: Aren't gay kids better off dead?

Only if you continue to act as if they are better off. If you're happy to ignore other lifeforms, then yes, gay kids are better off dead and I'll just take a seat right here in this comfortable chair with its soft gold fabric. But, you know--and thank you finally madame for sitting down--we all have to go through a lot of awful events, we all have terrible experiences, and we all want to love and be loved. To imply that one person would be better off dead is to imply we all would be better off dead. Why? Because if we were all subject to the approval of society, we'd all fail to pass muster.

Q: Why do you hate the Bronte sisters?

I don't hate them. I just find their novels... I find their novels all over.

Thank you. I'm going to sit now. You're welcome to go about your lives, or sit with me for a while.

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