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Tuesday, January 25, 2011

State of the Union: Fucked


I might crap out, but I'll liveblog the State of the Union for a bit. Reload for occasional updates.

8:44pm C-SPAN: Action shot of Obama and Michelle hopping into the limo-tank. Greg reminded me there's a pint of the President's blood stored in the limo. I wonder what it's like to drive around with an extra pint of your own blood. Also, note from neighbor, who took Waffles out for a walk while we were at work: Took Waffles out. Nice walk. Massive BM. Hm.

8:46pm C-SPAN: Nattering nabobs nattering. I wonder what the SOTU looks and sounds like on real cable.

8:52PM: After an exciting 'Obama arrives at the Hill' door-slamming event, the camera cuts to what's going on in the Chamber, which is Boehner shouting out names like a drill sergeant, and Biden reading a list of porn names, for no real reason.

8:47PM: I LOVE Boehner's pink tie. Very festive. Matches Biden's cheeks.

8:50PM: A C-SPAN 'technician' is explaining social media to the geriatric viewers, to make sure they know they can 'tweet' and 'facebook' their immediate reactions directly to C-SPAN. God, everyone has to have an opinion.

8:54PM, FOX: I'm apparently missing 'Glee.' A rerun with Carol Burnett. Hm. Ah well, there's a representative dressed as an English pea, so I'll stick with SOTU.

8:56PM, C-SPAN: Everyone applauds the dean of the diplomatic corps, I guess because they're all relieved to know there's someone in charge of diplomacy. And now the Supremes descend upon the Chamber, looking rather diminutive and lost. Perhaps they're always promised sandwiches. No Scalia, of course.

8:58PM: Michelle enters, with sleeves. As Wonkette said earlier, all eyes will be on Michelle's box tonight.

9:01PM: Boehner orange factor is low, so I guess the Republicans won't be shouting out random insults this year, which is kind of disappointing. It'd be fun if Obama had a Michael Richards moment and started calling Joe Wilson the 'n' word.

4 minutes after 9. I SAW Ob get into the same damn car as Michelle, and she arrived 5 minutes ago. Did he need to take a leak or something?

9:06PM: The President enters. Hope he shook it off first. Boehner looks constipated while clapping, and the English pea is cozying up to Cantor. I wish the C-SPAN people talked more.

9:08PM: Two minutes of applause. Clearly the President knows how to milk it. No shots of McCain clapping, sadly.

9:11PM: Oh, shit, there's a speech tonight too?

9:12PM: Boehner decided to go with a jaunty pink tie and sedate rust skin tone; Ob apparently skipped the hair dye. Interesting.

9:14PM: WHY ISN'T OBAMA WEARING A FLAG PIN GIFFORDS RIBBON? ANYONE WATCHING FOX NEWS? ARE THEY ON THIS YET?

9:20PM: According to C-SPAN, the word 'China' will appear 4 times tonight, apparently in the first three minutes of the speech. And 'no workers are more productive than ours... we're the home to the best colleges and universities." Which is why we also have the largest service industry, obviously.

9:21PM: Standing O(b) on the line 'we have to out-educate the rest of the world." By bombing them, I suppose. With books.

9:23: "In America, innovation doesn't just change our lives, it's how we make our living." And as an example, he mentions Sputnik. Brilliant. Also, Edison, who worked very hard to suppress Tesla's genuinely innovative ideas. Nice. And on to a roofing company. Next: Joe the Plumber's innovative idea to convince America his name was Joe and that he was in fact a plumber. Frankly, it seems America's greatest talent is hoodwinking others into thinking it's innovative and.... wait, G just declared something was 'an ambitious goal' and applauded. I should maybe listen to the speech, which is clearly not written down on his hand.

9:28PM: Ah. Win the future, Ob says. Education, he says. "Think about it," he says. Follow-up: A quarter of students don't finish college, we've fallen to 9th in the world for degree-attainment, parents' don't love their children. Winners of the science fair deserve to be celebrated more than the Super Bowl champs--clearly he's bitter the Bears lost.

9:32PM: The SOTU always reminds me of the time I went to Catholic Mass one Christmas. Lots of standing and sitting at odd times.

9:35PM: Ob moves from education to the DREAM Act. Lets see how firmly Boehner's butt remains fixed to his chair. Actually kind of impressed he's applauded at all for the Kenyan Muslim standing in front of him.

9:39PM: Ob's discussing high speed rails and general infrastructure. The GOP is not happy about this because they know that'll mean more hard work for the people authorized by the Patriot Act to monitor us. Or something.

9:42PM: Bored. Is Carol Burnett still on?

9:43PM: No. Damn. Trade agreements. Promote American jobs.

9:44PM: Regulations. The teabaggers don't like these things, and so Boehner doesn't like these things. There's a reason they don't like regulations, I think. They have irregular bowel movements, and feel that's the natural state of the body politic.

9:46PM: "I say to the Congress, let's stop fighting the battles of the past two years and build on what we have," or something. Meaning, shut up about the health care thing--it's done and people need help. Presumed response from the Republicans: Fuck that--we have a better plan.... that we'll reveal soon. Very soon. Promise.

9:49PM: To illustrate a point about tossing poor people to the wolves in order to lessen the deficit, Obama used these rather halting words [paraphrase]: "Cutting funds to the poor and education is like crashing a plane into the ground over and over, with blood and bodies strewn about the impact site."

9:52PM: "Before we take money away from our schools... we should ask millionaires to give up their tax breaks. Not about punishing them for their success, but to contribute to America's success." Boehner's tie turned purple.

9: 54PM: "We can't win the future with the government of the past." Greg: So why do you keep hiring Clinton hold-overs?

9:57PM: Haha... he just doubled-down on that terrible idea to get rid of earmarks, and all of congress, and a few Supremes, crapped their Depends.

10:00PM: WAR [insert 'Duck Soup' clips]. Ah good, this is the SOTU speech I'm used to seeing--it's as if GWB had cleared his last lawn of tumbleweeds and returned to the podium. "Taliban" this, "purpose" that, "strangle-hold," "9-11," what to expect in our next decade of war in Afghanistan... Oh god, "we've sent a message: we will not relent, we will not waiver, and we will defeat you." He said that. He actually said it. Somewhere, Peggy Noonan is swooning.

10:04PM: Biden Watch: He's hacking up a furball. The hair implants have gone too far.

10:06PM: "No American will be forbidden from serving the country they love because of who they love.... so, colleges, start letting us continue to ROTC the shit out of your students. But don't let those students marry. We'll let them die for the country, but I'm still going to defend DOMA." Whatever.

10:10PM: "I know there's no one here who would change places with any other nation on earth." Oddly enough, I could get married AND die for my country in several other places. And awwww, so cute. Obama gave a shout-out to Biden, Biden fist-pumped, Boehner thumped Biden fraternally on the chest, and then burst into tears.

10:13PM: That sucked. How can I tell who to hate if they all mingle and chuck each other on the chin

Hm. Should I liveblog Michele Bachmann?

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