Here's the pitch, okay:
We're in a dirty, chaotic marketplace in India. There are monkeys. There are street vendors, lots of billowing fabric. Brown people in turbans. A fakir coaxes a snake out of a basket. Think "Raiders of the Lost Ark," okay?
The camera settles in on a family of Americans from Alaska. How do we know they're from Alaska? They're incredibly white. Also, they're wearing red-white-and-blue clothing with the University of Alaska insignia emblazoned on the chest or ass. There's a youngish mother, a youngish father, both hot--think Anne Hathaway and Colin Firth--with a newly-minted adult daughter (Amanda Seyfried, just saying. This could be Mamma Mia 2! Picture 'Marrakesh' playing here, with everyone in the marketplace singing) and a younger daughter (what the hell, Dakota Fanning!) and some babies. The Alaskan family roams about the market, apprehensive. Foreigners in a foreign land, exposing themselves to the exotic. The youngest daughter, holding one of the babies, is approached by a swarthy be-turban'd man. The swarthy be-turban'd man presses some coins into the young girl's shaking hand, and, confused, she takes the money (think "The Man Who Knew Too Much," only with coins instead of a man's face in Jimmy Stewart's hands).
Clearly, the man is pressing Indian currency--what is it, Rupees? Futsi? Whatever the currency, it's clearly in coins rather than paper money--into Little Alaskan Dakota Fanning's (what's she doing now? She must be available?) palms, and she clearly doesn't understand the be-turban'd man's intent. We understand, though, and we want to tell her to reject the money. Think of the audience anxiety!
As Mother Alaska and Father Alaska and Big Sister Alaska are distracted by the exotic nature of the Indian market, Little Sister Dakota Fanning Alaska takes the swarthy be-turban'd man's exotic coin money and watches in horror as the swarthy be-turban'd man rips the defenseless Alaskan infant from her. He dashes off into the crowd. We hear the distant cries of the Alaskan infant. We see the man disappear through the billowing fabric and the agitated monkeys.
Close up insert shot of the fakir raising a snake from a basket.
Wider shot: local media filming the Alaskan family.
Close-up: despite the cameras present, only one man--a boom operator--notices the predicament of Little Sister Dakota Fanning Alaska and the stolen baby. He reacts with horror. He tries to intervene. He moves forward, reaching out to Little Sister Dakota Fanning, but trips over a street urchin at his feet and falls forcefully into Mother Alaska, knocking her down.
Money shot: Mother Alaska, with her brown hair perfectly coiffed and her dark, penetrating eyes hidden behind Ray-Bans, falls to the dirty ground. Her head smashes into the head of a blind, poor, Indian street urchin. (IMPORTANT: Not the same street urchin the boom operator tripped over. 1)There are a lot of urchins in India, as American audiences have seen in 'Slumdog. And 2), for the final act, these two urchins must meet and fall in love (think 'Slumdog'.)).
Magic. Imagine this sequence! The camera cuts to the fakir raising the snake from the basket. The camera cuts to a slow-motion collapse of Mother Alaska. The camera cuts to the blind street urchin. Then back to the fakir. Then to the snake being seduced from a basket by the incantation (fakirs use incantations to coax snakes from baskets!). Then to the neatly-styled Alaskan hair of Mother Alaska (if not Anne Hathaway, perhaps Michelle Williams?). Cut to the urchin, then back to Mother Alaska's slo-mo fall. Then. BAAAAM. Mother Alaska (Rachel Griffiths, if she's free) and blind street urchin smash their heads together.
Final shot in the sequence: Boom operator reacting in horror, while Father Alaska (we can go older. Maybe Harrison is willing?) and Big and Little Sister scream. Another shot of Baby Alaska disappearing into the crowd. Little Sister drops her coins (Euro?).
The media callously snaps photographs and reporters step in front of cameras to document the Alaskan family tragedy.
Mother Alaska and the blind street urchin, meanwhile, have exchanged brains. Because of the proximity of the tragedy to an incantation-uttering fakir and a hungry 'lamestream' media, a certain type of magic has happened: the urchin is no longer blind and now has a mad desire to wander his country judging everyone despite his low education, while Mother Alaska is clearly blind. She does not know who she is, she cannot remember anything.
Soundtrack: The piano crescendo of 'A Day in the Life' by The Beatles. Builds.
Newly blind amnesiac Mother Alaska stands, reaches out with her hand as if to guide herself.
Father Alaska (Keifer Sutherland isn't shooting the '24' movie anytime soon and his new play sucks so maybe he's available?) and Big Sister Alaska and Little Dakota (Elle?) Fanning Alaska search for the missing baby (while collecting the spilled exotic (Denar? When not trading goats for humans, what do Indians use for currency? MUST RESEARCH) coins.
Mother Alaska (Tina Fey: Too obvious?), no longer in possession of her own mind but instead with the mind of a 9 year old blind street urchin in India, wanders off on her own.
Crowd swallows her.
She's on her own.
'A Day in the Life" reaches it's peak, and hits its final chord.
Wide shot of the chaotic market as the final chord fades away.
Cut to: Hillary Clinton look-a-like in a Washington, DC office. "We must find her."
There. There's your opening.
And here's my agent's number. If she's not available, here's my manager's number. And here's mine, but don't call before noon.
I should tell you I've got a meeting with MGM tomorrow. They see--yes, they don't have the money--but they see Sally Field in the lead role.
Inappropriate sharing, incomprehensible ramblings, uncalled-for hostility: yup, it's a blog.
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