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Wednesday, April 20, 2011

News item from the old country

I just read an interesting news piece from my hometown paper, and thought it needed improving. Especially since the original link has been taken down.

Naked Man Charged with Burglary
Published: Tuesday, April 19, 2011 at 5:00 p.m.
Last Modified: Tuesday, April 19, 2011 at 5:04 p.m. [I assume the modification four minutes after posting this article was to fix a comma splice]

TOWN CREEK -- A naked man claiming to be Jesus Christ broke into a residence where a woman and her young children were late Monday afternoon and took all of the photos [Thomas Kinkade paintings] off the walls before he was taken into custody, officials said.

Jeremiah Wade Buxton, 29, 7079 Lawrence 59, Moulton, is charged with third-degree burglary, third-degree criminal mischief and indecent exposure [in Alabama, 'indecent exposure' means 'a guy was caught in the presence of a lady without wearing his wife-beater'], Town Creek Police Chief Jerry Garrett said. [In Alabama, 'Town Creek Police Chief' means 'brother-in-law of the mayor'.]

Garrett said the residence was on Lawrence 141.

“We got a call about a naked man on the porch of a residence and before I could get there [before I could finish my Moon Pie] a second call came in that the man had broken into the house where a woman and her two small[ish] children were,” Garrett said.

He said the woman and her children ran from the house and were not harmed. [Since the Benedryl had not yet kicked in, the children were still conscious enough to run. The mother even had time to set the VCR to record Judge Judy.]

Garrett said he and an officer from Courtland located him in the back of the house. [Garrett was very confused--why was he, Garrett, suddenly 'discovered in the back of the house' by an officer from Courtland? What was Courtland? Why did Courtland have officers? Why was he, Garrett, in the back of a house when there was a naked Messiah inside the house stealing Thomas Kinkade art? Garrett considered these questions. Garrett seriously considered these questions. Then Garrett glanced at the creek, visible from his place in the back of the house. He thought, 'How did that creek get there, and why is there a Courtland, and why does Courtland have a police force?' Then Garrett thought, 'It's like we're back in older times and I'm on horseback goin thru the mountains of a night. Goin thru the pass in the mountains. And then there's this guy from Courtland, his gun in a holster just as it should be. And a guy named Jesus Christ, pulling bad art from the walls of a dreadful house in a town with a creek so pathetic the town couldn't even bring itself to name itself after it. The town just calls itself Town Creek, and I guess it would've called itself Town Street if there had been a street here before there had been a town. I'm at the back of the house. And I'm woke up. And there's an officer beside me, from Courtland.' And I think to myself, 'Not again!']

“He [the Messiah] finally stuck his head around a corner [the upper head came around the corner before the lower one] and we saw him and he was naked,” Garrett said. [There was, one must presume, no sign of the purloined Kinkade art.]

The chief said as officers tried to talk with Buxton, he [the Messiah, a.k.a. Buxton] started claiming that the house was his and he was Jesus Christ. ["We knew he was not Jesus Christ," Garrett said. "Jesus Christ said his Father's house had many rooms. This house had only two bedrooms, a living room and a kitchen. Since Jesus Christ and his Father are the same person, by transitive power I knew that if this were really his house, there'd at least be an add-on, maybe a room over the garage or something. And some Kandinskys, maybe even a few van Goughs."]

“He said he was in heaven and he had cleansed himself of the old person,” Garrett said. “I asked why, and he said that was part of cleansing and he got rid of his old clothes.”

[Three days later, the clothes raised themselves from the dead and hanged themselves from a clothes line. It was the first miracle of the cleansed. Not long after, the miracle of the bleached and of the sorted followed.]

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