Inappropriate sharing, incomprehensible ramblings, uncalled-for hostility: yup, it's a blog.

Thursday, June 2, 2011

8 Inches of Certitude

This is not a post about Representative Weiner. Of that I am certain.

Well, I mean, I might mention Weiner at some point--I do live in NYC, and he is a pretty big topic right now.

You know that painting by Magritte? The one with a pipe and the caption, "This is not a pipe"? Only it is written in French, so the caption actually says, "Ceci n'est pas une pipe". You know the painting, right? Hell, it's right over there, so even if you didn't know it before, you know it now.

The thing is, the caption is literally correct. That pipe there, that's not a pipe. It's a representation of a pipe, made up of brush strokes and paint. Except, it figuratively is a pipe. So the caption is literally correct but figuratively incorrect, which is an important distinction.

(And yes, I realize the picture over there is not literally a figurative representation of a pipe made up of brush strokes and paint, but a digital recreation of the figurative representation of a pipe literally consisting of brush strokes and paint. Stop figuratively splitting hairs.)

Keep that in mind.

Weiner. This is not a post about Weiner, I promise.

So there's an old joke. I mean, there are a lot of old jokes, right, in that most jokes are old. Did you know--just saying--that 'why did the chicken cross the road' jokes date back to Roman Empire days? It's true, if not literally true, then at least figuratively, in that I am sure some Roman person, just after Appian Way popped up, noticed a chicken crossing it and made a comment to one of his or her buddies. So that's an old joke at least figuratively, in that it maybe wasn't literally the 'why did the chicken cross the road' joke, but it was certainly figuratively a 'chicken cross the road' joke.

Digress. Sorry. So there's an old joke, one of many, which goes like this: "There's an old joke. Two elderly women are having dinner in the Catskills. " (I'm not certain why these two elderly women always are having dinner in the Catskills. Makes no sense, really--the food there is terrible, and in such small portions, so they should probably try a new region, like maybe downtown Manhattan or... wait, I just gave away the punchline. I always do that. Overthink the joke, analyze it too much, deconstruct it.)

So there's an old joke. About old ladies eating at blah blah Catskills blah. And one of them says, "You know, the food here is terrible." And the other one says, "I know. And in such small portions."

See, it's funny because even though the food is terrible, the second elderly lady is indignant that the terrible food is served in small portions. Ha, right? Ha-ha.

That reminds me of another joke, or at least the sense of the joke if not the joke itself. I don't recall the set-up, but the punchline is, 'No, said the monsignor. That's my anus.'

Which is a lie. I mean it's a lie I don't remember the set-up to that punchline, not that the monsignor was lying about the possession of his own anus--I'm sure the monsignor was telling the truth. I was lying. There was never a set-up. It's just something someone I knew in high school used to say during awkward pauses. I don't remember why he used to say that during awkward pauses, and that is the truth. I'm as honest about not remembering why he said that as the monsignor was about his possession of his own anus.

To review: the picture of Anthony Weiner's penis is not, literally, his penis. Americans like their scandals served in large portions even when the scandals are terribly pointless, and despite all the other things the media and the American people could be saying to one another, the Weiner scandal is essentially the monsignor's anus, figuratively, filling the awkward silence.

Which is why Andrew Breitbart's nickname is 'Breitfart.'

That's all I have to say, other than the title of this post is an awful pun on 'One Hundred Years of Solitude,' for no reason. 'The Loneliness of the Long-Distance Blogger' didn't quite work, and 'A Weiner Grows in Brooklyn' seemed gross.


Matt Osborne said...

Pure win.

Anonymous said...

When I was young the joke was "what is the difference between an orange?" The Rt wing media loves to distract from the truth. The truth today is the GOP is ravaging the nation stealing from the middle and working class and giving all to the rich investor class and corporations. They do not want us to see what they do so they point at a penis and look sadly to many of us do. Watch the GOP read their proposals carefully ask your congress person "why?" and in November or whenever there is an election VOTE!

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