Inappropriate sharing, incomprehensible ramblings, uncalled-for hostility: yup, it's a blog.

Wednesday, June 22, 2011


There's an ersatz campaign to convince the Pulitzer people to award The Onion a prize. And ok yes The Onion deserves a Pulitzer. Lesser things have won one. Greater things have not.

Ira Glass--the host of This American Life--posted a video online supporting The Onion's Colbertesque campaign to win a Pulitzer, as has Tom Hanks, Arianna Huffington, Georgian President Mikheil Saakashvili, Paul Reiser and the guy two flights down from me, who is also named Paul Reiser, but isn't the Paul Reiser, and smells like stale cottage cheese. He also looks more like Helen Hunt than Paul Reiser, but that's ok since his wife looks more like Paul Reiser than Helen Hunt, and their kids look like Jerry Seinfeld. Sort of. I mean, their kids look like a shaved Jerry Seinfeld.

I have terrible eyesight, by the way. Just got new glasses but still.


Ira Glass, in his posted video supporting the Pulitzerfication of The Onion, says this: "Hey! Hey, cocksuckers! How about taking your heads out of your collective asses... and giving The Onion a Pulitzer already."

Ira's use of the word 'cocksucker' has raised some eyebrows. Apparently, most of Ira's This American Life audience believe him to be the unassuming, neutered hipster he portrays each week rather than the Ian McShane acolyte he truly is. NPR listeners are so naive. Those great shows we hear on NPR don't magically make it to air. Those shows require hard-nosed, hard-biting determination, cutting down the competition. To get a show on NPR, one must be a Joe Pesci of broadcast journalism.

There's a reason it's a prize for Carl Kasell to leave a message on your home answering machine: You don't want Carl Kasell to come to your actual fucking house. No you most definitely do not because he'll break your fucking balls.

Right. So. Cocksucker. Cocksucker cocksucker cocksucker. It's a fun word to say. Ira Glass says it. Ian McShane says it. I say it. I even do it.

But Dan Clark--some guy on the internet--doesn't like the word. Dan says [and this is all sic, btw], "Seriously? I know that it's a joke, but I would not have expected to head [heh, Freudian slip much?] Ira Glass using hate-speech. I'm not sure how I feel about that. Again, I get that it's a joke, but if I wanted to hear that kind of garbage, I'd listen to Tracy Morgan. "

After a gratuitous Tracy Morgan slam, Dan adds: "
I gave $100 to the program just a couple of months ago. I'm certainly never doing that again."

That's right. Dan is withdrawing his $100 support to This American Life because Ira Glass said 'cocksucker.'

Here's the thing: I'm a cocksucker, and I don't care if someone calls me one. I suck cock. When someone calls me a cocksucker, I don't feel as if I'm experiencing hate; I just assume they're paying me a compliment. If they'd called me a cock-gobbler, I'd be offended. My technique is nuanced and exact. I suck cock. I do not gobble.

Knob-polisher. That's another one. That's undercutting what I do. Certainly, there's a bit of polishing in my technique but you're selling me short if you think all I do is polish--I also do a bit of gobbling and sucking. Mostly sucking. The sucking is the important part. The polishing and gobbling of the cock is secondary, which is why I take offense when called a knob-polisher or a cock-gobbler. If all I did was gobble or polish a cock, I'd be either a pet attending to a dish of food or a maid cleaning the house.

I am neither a family pet nor Hazel. I suck.

Cocksuckers are a gift from the universe. And the word? The word is magical. It isn't hate-speech to call someone a 'cocksucker'. Frankly, so long as you treat me with respect and know you also have a denigrating nickname to describe your own lifestyle, I don't care what you call me.

Some choice quotes from the ongoing 'cocksucker' debate:

From Elisabeth Goebel (heh):
Yeah, Dan Clark, you'd better not support one of the best programs on the radio because the host has a sense of humor. Nevermind that this wasn't even on the show. God, people like you are frustrating.

From Cynthia Cox (!!!):
And I'm pretty sure that most people who know me would not think that I have no sense of humor. I totally appreciate a good dirty joke. My reaction when I heard him say "cocksucker" was not utter dismay, but more like "really? He had to use that word?" I get that it's a joke, but there are better ways to get a laugh than use a word that has the potential to insult traditionally marginalized and oppressed groups.

From Brian Kiser:
political correctness is gay.

I'm a cocksucker. I take pride in not being a knob-polisher.

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