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Tuesday, February 28, 2012

There's an old joke

So when I was kid--which, by the way,  was a great time to be a kid since it's most always a great time to be a kid unless it isn't a great time to be a kid. And let's face it: there are a lot of great times to not be a kid, but this was a great time to be a kid. Trust me. I was there. I know.

Anyway, so when I was a kid, there was this joke we'd tell to one another. We kid-lings would be standing in line waiting to enter the cafeteria for our ersatz hamburgers (made from soy, which was this strange mythical beast-meat imported from Berkley, CA, and molded into a patty-like shape then fed to us by hair-netted lunch ladies swaddled in smocks and plastic gloves), or we'd be standing in line to enter the library for storytime, or we'd be standing in line to enter the gym for Enforced Physical Activity Awareness Hour, where a Coach who had recently gone AWOL from the Army would divide us into sexes and force the boys to do grueling exercises as the girls listened to music and practiced their skills at undermining one another's emotional self-confidence, or we'd be sitting in class waiting for the bell to signal our free-and-clear sanctioned release back to the real world, and we'd tell this to one another.

Over and over.

The Joker: Hey, you know, if your hand is as big as your face, it means you're gonna get cancer.


The Jokee (invariably holding a spread-out hand to his or her face): ...Really?


The Joker (shoves Jokee's spread-out hand into his or her face): Yup.

Kids loved cancer jokes back then. It was a simpler time.

Another joke from my childhood was about Helen Keller. Helen Keller jokes were all the rage when I was a kid because I grew up near Ivy Green. I grew up where Ms. Keller grew up.

The Joker: You know how to punish Helen Keller?


The Jokee: No.


The Joker [variation one]: Leave a plunger in her toilet.


The Joker [variation two]: When she goes out, rearrange all the furniture in her bedroom.

Another joke

The Joker: Why is Helen Keller's leg yellow?


The Jokee: I dunno.


The Joker: Because her dog was blind too! Get it? Get it? Because the dog peed on her leg!

Kids also loved jokes about those less fortunate than themselves. Cancer and Helen Keller. Hi-lar-ious! Comedy gold.

Another popular joke in the kiddom, standing in all those lines awaiting whatever horrible culinary and exertion fates in store for us, was this knee-slapper:

The Joker: Why did the hairstylists' dog say, "Bowsy-wowsy"?


The Jokee: I dunno.


The Joker: Because his dog was a fag too! Get it? 


The Jokee: Yeah.


The Joker: Because all hairstylists are faggots!

Man, we'd tell that joke to one another over and over again, and laugh until either milk came out of our nose or the librarian would send us to detention or the AWOL coach would make us do laps around the court.

Good times.

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