Inappropriate sharing, incomprehensible ramblings, uncalled-for hostility: yup, it's a blog.

Thursday, November 29, 2012

Notes from the Front

[General's Remarks. 0300 Hours. All Soldiers Assembled]

Troops, it's true. It's a hard battle this year.

Men, we are waging a war.... And women. Men and women, we are... Oh, and those of you in transition. People. People we are waging a war here. A war against all that is holy and sacred to our enemy.

Show me your war faces, troops. Show them to me!

[pause]

Let's pretend that never happened. Troops, don't ever show me your war faces again. That was unpleasant. I regret asking to see them.

So. The war. On Christmas. What is it?

That was a rhetorical question so put your hands down. Not your arms! Keep your arms at your side until needed, and never raise your hands when you're asked a question. What is the war on Christmas?

[pause]

What did I just say? Never raise your hands to answer my questions. Didn't you hear me say that?

[pause]

Put. Your. Arms. Down. Hands! Put your hands down.

[pause]

Now pick up your arms.

[pause]

Good.

Men. And women. And those in transition. And you, whatever you are. We are waging war, and... and I said that already. Where was I?

[pause]

Arms down! It was a rhetorical...

Where was...? So. You. Yes. Stand up. What's your name, soldier?

[pause]

Seymour? People still name their kids Seymour? HANDS DOWN.

Seymour. When you go out and mingle amongst the Jesusians, what do you say?

[pause]

A verbal response. Verbal. Oral. SAY it. What do you say?

[pause]

Right. You say, 'Happy Holidays.' Or, if you're gay or in transition, 'Happy Hols.' Or if you're Terry, 'Haps to the Hols.' Great. And that is what we are about. Right men? Women? Tranny.... Transitionals? Terry? We are about happiness. Happiness during the holidays, and who cares about religion. We're in the dead of winter right now, and we need cheer. We need cheer no matter who the hell we worship, or don't worship, or follow, or... I didn't mean to say 'tranny,' by the way. That's.... that was offensive to.... Well, I suppose, when I think about it, 'transitional' is also offensive. Do you know how difficult it is to keep up, sometimes, with the idea of 'all inclusive'?

HANDS DOWN.

The point, as we resume our great war, is that we are at war, and we hate war because we don't like to discriminate, or separate ourselves from fellow humans, or pretend we are.... You know what. Fuck it. Men. Women. Transitionals--if you are okay with being called 'transitionals.' Terry. Put down your arms. Raise your hands. Who wants tea?

[pause]

Fine. Who wants coffee?

[pause]

Beer, anyone?

[pause]

So. That's 1.2 million teas, 2.3 million coffees, and everyone else beer. Happy to serve in this war. Look forward to next year.

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