My fellow Russians, I could have once--at one time--been your president. So I'll call you 'my fellow Russians' even if I am not a fellow Russian. Truth be told, it's not clear if I'm a fellow American either, much like the current American President who beat me in 2008. I was, you see, born in Panama.
|Columnist John McCain|
Last week, your true president--who defeated me in an election I didn't really run because I didn't register the proper papers--wrote an op-ed for the American "newspaper of record," the New York Times. The Gray Lady. "All the news that's fit to print." An important American paper in an important American city. Your president published this op-ed on 9/11/2013.
September 11, as I'm sure you Ruskies are aware, is a very important day in the American calendar. There are, no doubt, important days for you as well, but here in America, September 11 is so important that foreign countries would do well to keep silent. If I were president of Russia, I would know that, I assure you.
But as I said, I lost that election because of improper paper filing. Another election I lost was the one I ran in 2008, against Barack Obama. Also I lost one against former French President Nicolas Sarkozy. And one against Queen Elizabeth II, but as my advisers assure me, that wasn't really a loss as no election took place. I still campaigned for the Queenidentcy, but polling numbers were not in my favor. It's a shame.
I would have made a great Queen of England and her territories.
Sometimes I wonder if perhaps Panama would elect me.
Anyway. Russians. I am writing to you in this open letter because, as the person who elevated Sarah Palin to such a lofty position by nominating her as my running mate--and thereby sparing you all of the discomfort she must have caused by constantly staring at you from her kitchen window--I feel you owe me a favor.
Elect me. Please. Issue a recall on your current president. Allow me to rule your country in a fine and respectful way, in a way that does not insult the office of the Russian president by stooping to Maureen O'Dowd levels column-writing. As your president, I swear never to appear in the New York Times' op-ed pages. I will write for Pravda.
It is disgusting that your primary representative--that one--should debase himself by running to the Times to give voice to the international community. Trust me. I know. The Times endorsed my opponent in my previous election (I forget which election. I think the one against Angela Merkle. Or maybe against Xi Jinping).
When I ran against Barack Obama, I ran not for myself, but for the presidency of Iran. And I selected as my running mate a woman who could not hold her own water, but instead held the water for everyone else--seriously, it was rather amazing how selfless she was; give her a bottle of water and tell her, "This is you water," and she would drop it immediately, but give her a bottle of water and tell her, "This water is for Jesus, and all who know Him," and she would cling to it for days.
I stand by my choice of Sarah Palin. And I stand by my determination to be president of a country--any country--before I die.
Like the old song says, "Panama. Pana-ma-ha. Panama."
Thank you for your attention, Russians.
Oh, a final thing. Your president said Americans are not exceptional. I disagree. Americans managed to commit a massive genocide that would leave Hitler woozy at the knees, and managed to steal and sell the people of another continent, without consequence. That's pretty exceptional. No UN intervention, no foreign powers calling in drone strikes.
Also, if any Native American reservations or countries in Africa--except Egypt--are ready for a new leader, let me know. I'm senator of Arizona--I'm happy to preside over anywhere.