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Sunday, August 7, 2016

Review of 'Julius Caesar' written by Donald Trump, age 13

I really liked that part where Calpurnia swallowed coals. They were burning coals, hot coals, the best coals she could swallow. She made me proud. We need more coal to swallow.

Outside of that, it was understandable and totally right, completely right they did what they did to Cinna. I wanted to call him Cinnamon, because he was such a loser bit of spice. No one uses cinnamon anymore. No one. No one. No one asks for cinnamon on their food. You know what they ask for? They ask for salt. They ask for pepper. They ask for salt and pepper and no one gives a damn about Cinna, man. They just don't care.

But the purpose of 'Julius Caesar' is not Cinna or Calpurnia. It's about Julius, and how he'd built all of Rome, and how men in the government conspired together to undo all that he had built. You have Antony, and you have Brutus. Brutus ends up killing himself, right, he kills himself while Antony gets his own new Shakespeare play. There is no 'Brutus and Cleopatra'. There is 'Antony and Cleopatra,' and it's about building a wall so high Liz Taylor's hair couldn't get over it.

There are some that say, and I get why they say this. Really, I understand. I understand. I get why they must say that Cleopatra was African. She was black. They say this. Truly. And they say the same about Jesus, and a lot of other people we admire. Political correctness! It is politically correct to say such things as "A woman on the African continent in 69 BC was not a white European woman from 1963."

But I'm not supposed to talk about that. I'm supposed to talk here about 'Julius Caesar'.  Which Shakespeare wrote against his will. It's true. He wrote this play against his will, and most of his plays against his will. If he'd known I would be forced to read this play, and many other plays by him, he would never have agreed to finish them. This one. Them. These plays. 'People will be forced, in government-funded schools, to read my work?' he'd say.

One should not be forced to read, or think, or use Cinnamon.

Coal, however, is a very good thing. It keeps us burning all the right people.

In conclusion, I am too rich to read this play. You will give me an A for this essay. The best A. My A is so big no other student in this class will be allowed to bring knives to school and keep me from this A.

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