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Saturday, October 8, 2016

On One Half of All Men

On behalf of all men, I would like to apologize for Donald Trump.

Not because I represent all men, and not because I am an enlightened individual open to ideas foreign to my gender, but because I am a human being, and someone should really apologize for a man who cannot apologize for himself.

Donald Trump has an undiagnosed disorder that prevents apologies. It happens. I once knew a woman incapable of saying the word 'juxtaposition' without gesturing wildly and then spitting on a knuckle--any knuckle, not just her own. I once knew a guy who could not say 'Jesse Jackson' without following it up with a racial epithet.

Speech impediments are real, and are not always limited to speech. Gestures matter.

And Donald Trump, I'm sad to say, lacks the ability to understand both basic speech and token gestures.

When I was a kid, I had a lisp. It's true. I lisped, and I followed up my lisping with limp-wristed gestures. Fortunately, there was a special class at my elementary school where I was sent, twice a week for one hour, to learn how to avoid my lisp and--by extension--lose the limp-wrists. After two years, third and fourth grades, I became a man qualified to apologize for Donald Trump and all the other men who cannot bring themselves to say the words "I am sorry" without following those three simple words up with a "but".


It is true, in my non-lisping, firm-wristed post-fourth-grade life, I have said a lot of things about what I'd like to do to various men, and I've said those things well beyond a locker-room setting. I've said, for instance, and in a movie theater, that I would like to fuck Cillian Murphy.

I've said I would like to give head to the guy downstairs who is a dancer and yet who smokes like a chimney and probably shouldn't be both a dancer and a smoker--seriously, eventually one must pick one or the other, or else you'll Fosse yourself into a coma--and I said that in my own home. To my husband!

I have said, perhaps more than once and in many places non-adjacent to locker-rooms, that I would like to get butt-fucked by the entire cast of Hamilton and would provide the strap-ons to the Schuyler sisters if needed and accepted.

When I was getting rid of my lisp and limp wrists two hours a week for two years, I learned the difference between 'I would like to...' and 'I just do.' For Donald Trump, and those who suffer from his debilitating speech impediment, it is a challenge to separate the gesture from the action.

It is a shame Donald Trump never had the chance to go through Apology Conversion Therapy--if he had, he may have learned how to be a human being and apologize. As with my speech therapy, Apology Conversion Therapy teaches one how to pretend to be someone you are not. It teaches you to avoid your natural self, to pass, to get along. ACT reminds one that the gesture is more important than the words.

Yet here we are. Donald Trump, a presidential candidate of a major party in the United States' political bicameral system (let us stop pretending tricameral is a thing this election), cannot even ACT his way into a genuine apology, and that is a sad thing. He cannot apologize for something he said 10 years ago, as a 60 year old man, instead assuring us that--as a 70 year old man--he's changed his ways. If only Donald Trump had gone through a similar two hour class in elementary school as I, perhaps he would understand, Dude, you don't need to actually change; you just need to fake it til you make it.

In my case, I learned to fake it til I got cock. In Trump's case, he just needed to fake it til November 8th.

So. On behalf of all men, I apologize for Donald Trump--and not because, as I said, I am a man. But because humanity itself has failed to give Donald Trump the tools needed to say 'I am sorry' and shut the fuck up. Instead, Trump suffers from a common ailment: Inability to Apologize.

If only we could've ACT'd sooner.

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